I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
