My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
