I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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