i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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