You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize