covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?