I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
