You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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