I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
