Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
A+ Viking dick
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
