Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
