I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
