My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
