When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish i was in the wii world.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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