Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
