and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize