You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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