I like my sex mixed with concussions.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
