Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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