Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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