so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Panties = found
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