with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
