My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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