we're blogging at a bar
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
