He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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