Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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