Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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