You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
