For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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