Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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