i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
now i know why i became what i already was.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
