Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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