I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
