I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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