She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
