apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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