fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
