And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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