I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this beer tastes like vomit already
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
