apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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