I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize