We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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