just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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