My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
