I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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