how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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