did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
