yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
