Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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