i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
