im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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