u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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