I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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