i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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